i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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