Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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