I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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