Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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