Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
