We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
