You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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