And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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