what day is it and did you see me today?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
