I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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