only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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