why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
