....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
