Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
