you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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