i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
