i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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