What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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