We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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