I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
