I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
