Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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