So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
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idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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