We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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