sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
