And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We had sex on a dog bed..
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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