just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
