YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
