I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
