just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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