On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
