What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
