You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
