Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
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He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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