We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
