the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
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Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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