i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
