the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
