my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
