you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize