he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.