I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
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I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...