Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
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high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
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Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!