You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
