woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
