I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
