WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
