You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
