you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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