The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
did i walk over a car last night?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
