i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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