i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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