He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
