I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
