im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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