She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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