Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
