Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
