the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
