Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
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I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Text me some of your sweat
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