doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
